What exactly is a toxic friendship?
A toxic friendship can be categorised in many ways. It may be the way someone makes you feel, the things they say to you or their behaviour. An example of this is this friend may be passive aggressive, directly aggressive, dismissive and manipulative. It may be one of these things or all of them. The sad truth is sometimes, we only notice a friend is toxic when it's too late and the damage has already been done. You may spot a toxic friend by things like gaslighting, they are overly selfish and they are only happy when they're getting their own way. In some cases, a toxic friend may not be this simple to identify. The main thing to remember is your instincts. If something feels severely off about a person or situation, maybe that's a sign that they are being toxic. It is quite common for people with toxic traits to attach themself to vulnerable people. This could be people who were emotionally or physically neglected, people with low self esteem, people with mental health conditions, people who trust too easily and many other people who are classed as vulnerable.
Are toxic people bad people?
Although there is a big stigma around toxicity, not all toxic people are rotten to the core. There are some that have genuinely been severely traumatised in the past and they are reflecting their pain onto others without even realising they're doing it. An example of this is gaslighting. Most of the time, gaslighting is used as a manipulative tactic to make you question yourself and feel sorry for the other person instead. Somehow, a conversation about your feelings always goes back to them and you are never considered. But in some cases, someone may gaslight you subconsciously, meaning they are not aware they're doing it and there are no bad intentions. Even still, the results still hurt and harm you.
People can recover from being toxic to others if they work through their problems and give themselves time to heal. So it's best not to assume every toxic person was born that way and they love harming people emotionally (or physically) because that may not be the case. To prove my point, I will share something very personal with you all. Around 5 years ago, I had some toxic traits that I didn't realise were affecting those close to me. I feel better now as I became self aware and worker through them. I did it for me, to be a better person and also to stop harming people unintentionally. But my main toxic trait was extreme jealousy. Jealousy doesn't look good on anyone but that was the way my mind worked. It got to the point where I was jealous of anyone that my partner spoke to as I felt they were a threat to our relationship. Looking back now, I have grown so much from that point in my life and I know that my actions were unreasonable. I have since learnt that several mental health conditions were contributing to those feelings but now that I understand them better, jealousy has become much easier to handle. It is no longer so intense. This is just one example of how someone's mental state or trauma can give them toxic traits. So try to judge everyone fairly and get the full story first. It is usually best to distance yourself from toxic people rather than trying to help or fix them as this can do more harm than good.
The damage of toxic friendships:
Some may say once the toxic friend is out of your life, you're fine. It's done, it's over so why think of it again? Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way. Things that people have done to you stick with you. They become intrusive thoughts on a good day or cloud your judgment with other friendships. I'm not saying you can never recover from it, maybe you can with a lot of healing but some of us don't. As well as the mental scars and bad memories, it can affect your general health too. Being betrayed or hurt by someone you thought had your back can have devastating effects such as increasing your blood pressure, lowering your immunity, stress eating, headaches and more. It may not feel that bad but the damage it does to you emotionally can be catastrophic. When the toxic friendship has just ended, you may not feel the effects. You may feel relief at first and be grateful that you've got away but the signs of stress turn up later on. Just be weary when you make new friends. Really observe them and their traits.
Look for red flags such as belittling you, judging you, making snide comments, offending you but covering it with a joke etc. If you really can't tell but your instincts are saying that something isn't right about them, always trust your instincts. If you doubt yourself a lot (something I'm also guilty of!) ask someone you trust for advice. Tell them the things this friend has said and done, put it all into context and ask them if they sound toxic or not because more often than not, we get used to them and become blind to it. They could be controlling us, manipulating us, using us etc and we wouldn't see it because we love them as a friend and want to only see the good in them. Most of the time though, the truth comes out in the end. An event will happen that makes you think 'this is the final straw' and you take a step back and observe everything they've ever done to you. It's up to you to decide whether their friendship is damaging your mental health too much or not.
We know that most people have their issues and flaws but when it's seriously affecting your mental health, you need to think of yourself. This doesn't mean you have to block them and abandon them forever, but at least take a break to reflect. If you do decide to stick around and help them through it etc make sure it's for your own reasons and not because you feel obliged to help them or they guilt trip you into it. It's their responsibility to notice their own toxic traits and change for them, not yours. If distance is best then distance is what you need. Remember, it doesn't make you a bad person for leaving someone's life if they're making you feel bad constantly.
A real life story of a toxic friendship:
Just so everyone reading this is clear on what is classed as toxic, I will share with you the worst experience of friendship I've ever had. I've had a few toxic friends in my time but this one stands out to me the most. Some may already know about this person and what they've done but for those who don't, I will explain. For privacy purposes, I will call this person JM for this blog post.
I didn't know this person very long when we began to call each other best friends. She was only a few months older than me and we got on really well and had a laugh. As every other best friend I'd had in the past was really cruel to me, I finally believed this was my chance to have a best friend like all the other women I knew. I did always have close friends but I was never someone's number one choice so I finally felt seen. Things were going well until JM started asking me for money. Now, anyone that knows me well knows that money is no object to me. If I've got it, I'll help people with it. I give to charity monthly, I give money to friends and family when they need it and it's never bothered me. She didn't ask for much at the start, just the odd £10 as she was a single mother with 3 young children and she had just come out of an abusive relationship so I felt I was really helping her. I kept thinking she's my best friend and I trust her so this is fine. At the time, she was one of the only people that checked on me daily and didn't make me feel like a burden. She knew my mental health was bad and how kind I was so she took advantage of that and used me. It got to the point where she was asking for £50-£100 a few times a week. I kept giving because that's the type of person I am. She did promise to pay it all back, but she never did. I started to worry about my savings as they were going down quickly and I had my business to think about.
But it wasn't just the constant money borrowing that bothered me. Every time we had a slight disagreement, I would be bombarded with abusive messages. Calling me names, swearing at me, saying harsh things and just easily forgetting all I had done for her. She gaslit me whenever I wanted to talk about my feelings. It went on for nearly 2 years where I was sending food shops to her house, lending her money and being used in many ways. When I finally realised that she was using me, I tried to part ways with her reasonably but it didn't end well. I got constant messages so I wished her well for the future and blocked her. I felt guilty but I needed to do it for my own mental health. Then I was bombarded by new accounts made by her with the same name, throwing abuse at me and trying to guilt trip me into forgiving her. I blocked them all and didn't give her the satisfaction of replying to any of them. When I stopped responding to her messages, I began to get voice mails. Aggressive ones where she threatened to come to my house and beat me up which never happened. As I live with vulnerable people, I couldn't risk them getting hurt. She had unpredictable behaviour so I had to get the police involved.nit was sad that someone who I once called my best friend, I had to get police onto her for harassment. Even after the police had a word with her, she messaged me on a new account saying it was wrong of me to get the police involved as I scared her autistic son. She tried to use her son to get to me but if she didn't act that way in the first place, I would have never had to tell the police.
As I kept ignoring her, she eventually stopped messaging me. That is until October 2022 where she messaged me and said sorry for everything and told me her grandfather had died and she needed someone. We tried again. After all she had done, I gave her one last chance. And I was a fool to but I have learnt since then not to give people like her too many chances. We eventually fell out for good over money once again. I did feel distraught at first but a few months later, I came to realise that I was much better off without her. No more worrying if everything I said was going to offend her, if she would gaslight me or make me feel guilty all the time. The constant feeling of not being good enough and never being able to enough was gone. I put far too much pressure on myself to be the best friend possible that I forgot I was hurting myself in the process. I am much more weary of friendships now. I have a fear of calling someone my best friend because whenever I do, the friendship falls apart. I even expect my other good friends to act toxic like she did so it has badly scarred me and I doubt I will ever recover fully, but I definitely won’t be making the same mistakes again.
I am guessing some of you reading this can relate to this story on a personal level and if so, I am so sorry that this happened to you (or something similar.) But if so far all your friendships have been good and non-toxic, use this story to be aware in the future. Sometimes, people seem overly friendly for weeks, even months before they show their true intentions. It’s all about being aware and setting your own boundaries and even deciding when it's time to give up on a friendship or not. Remember, you are your own number one priority. If it hurts more than it doesn’t, it’s no good for you.
So… what if you happen to be the toxic friend?
I would like to start by saying it doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. Acknowledging that you are the one being toxic at times is the first step. Most of us are guilty of being toxic due to our own defense. For example, if someone tells you how they feel and you take it offensively, you may gaslight them to protect yourself. The first step is being self aware and accepting that sometimes, you are toxic towards other people. It doesn’t mean you do it on purpose as it could be a subconscious thing and not everyone with toxic traits are out to harm people intentionally. Another thing to remember is that you have to want to change before you can. Everyone grows as a person eventually. You have to forgive yourself for all the pain you’ve caused first, apologise to people as well if it is needed and then reflect on your behavior and see how you could have responded in a better way. It will take time but knowing what needs to be changed in the first place may help. I am living proof that toxic traits can go with a lot of hard work and being more self aware. I now think a lot before I reply to anyone, I make sure I am getting my wording right to match what I am wanting to say and how I am wanting to make that person feel. If you are really struggling and you want to change, try putting yourself in the person you’ve hurts shoes. Think about how you would feel if someone did to you what you did to them. You will soon see the error of your ways and want to change.
The sad truth is, good friends are becoming rare…
It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to trust people enough to be friends with them. Most people that I get speaking to end up betraying me, being rude to me or using me early on. It makes it really difficult to trust humanity in general. It doesn’t help that the old ways of classic friendship are dying out. But I like to stick to the old traditional ways. Friendships for me are all about loyalty, honesty, compassion, communication, trust and being able to have deep conversations, be there for each other in times of need and not let each other down. It is also about a two way street. I expect the same amount of effort from my friends as I give them. It is true what they say, people do show their true colours. If they have no idea what is going on in your life right now and can easily go months and months without speaking to you, are they really your friends? Yes, life gets busy. But you make time for those that matter and to me, good friends become family and we always put family first. So the next time you make a new friend, look out for the red flags and protect yourself. With any luck, they will all be green flags. It is a horrible world out there, not many people have good intentions nowadays so be extra careful. I hope I have helped someone or been able to relate to them. Thank you so much for reading this until the end. Feel free to leave any comments.